a diary entry to myself

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I was reading through my journal the other day, and found this entry to myself. I keep this notebook full of only uplifting things with good reminders on who I want to become and where I want my life to go. I wrote this to remind myself that there is light at the end of the tunnel whenever I feel depressed or hella anxious because when you feel like that, your brain forgets that you’ve gotten out of those situations before. It’s unedited, taken straight from my notebook.

3/13/19

Joe and I have taken a month to reset our minds after reaching a low earlier this year. We were so filled with anxiety and chaos and negative feelings in part from all the pressure we’ve been putting on ourselves this past year. Go go go…make more money, market yourself better, move to New York to truly become a “real” fashion photographer. All these pressures of course were not healthy and really took a toll on us—not only mentally, but physically. Add to that our growing fear of having to tell our parents about leaving religion…

After having a lot of fights, outbursts, and cry-fests, we decided we needed a change. Luckily Joe had planned to go on a short retreat with a friend in Palm Springs. He planned on meditating and laying in the sun. I got sick :) which looking back, gave me an initial excuse to relax guilt-free in order to heal. I didn’t know how much my mind needed to heal, too.

I decided to watch a video by Jen Sincero that I had seen in the past, but that I knew would inspire me to get my shit together. I took some good notes, all of which are in the beginning of this notebook, and decided to set some goals. Most importantly, I would meditate every day for one month. I succeeded in meditating 24 times during that month which is something I’m very proud of. I never would have meditated near that many times without a goal. It changed my mindset, and it changed Joe’s mindset as well (he was meditating, too). It led us to read books together, have great talks, better establish our priorities, and become closer.

The transformation was gradual, but the person I was at the beginning of the time was night and day. We cut out all photography as well which greatly healed our creative brains. We were putting so much pressure on our photography that we were stifling our creativity.

We can feel healing happening and feel life re-entering ourselves and each other. I want to always remember this (it’s why I’m writing it down). If I need to heal, do it. Nothing else is more important than my mental health. When I have it, I can be creative, give love, and it spreads into every area of my life.

To myself: Whenever you’re feeling down, depressed, pathetic, anxious, like everything around you is falling apart, STOP and get healthy. Meditate, read books, focus on Joe, watch funny movies, go on hikes. Your mental health is more important than you know.

I can’t stress enough (to myself) how important mindset is. When I started learning about it, and how you can change your reactions, perceptions and frequencies, it changed my life. I am still working on it, but being aware of it is half the battle. Joe and I are reading a book called Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself and this quote jumped out at me.

“…many people spend their waking days in a sustained high-frequency Beta state. To them, everything is an emergency. The brain stays constantly on a very fast cycle, which taxes the entire system. Living in this thin margin of brain waves is like driving a car in first gear while simultaneously stepping on the gas. These people “drive through” their lives without ever stopping to consider shifting gears into other brain states.”

It’s clear to me that I was living in first gear with the pedal floored to the ground. Simply realizing this and “stopping to consider” changed my reality and my life.