be a little lighter

“It’s dark because you are trying too hard.

Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly.

Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply.

Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them.

I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humorless little prig.

Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me.

When it comes to dying even. Nothing ponderous, or portentous, or emphatic.

No rhetoric, no tremolos,

no self conscious persona putting on its celebrated imitation of Christ or Little Nell.

And of course, no theology, no metaphysics.

Just the fact of dying and the fact of the clear light.

So throw away your baggage and go forward.

There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet,

trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair.

That’s why you must walk so lightly.

Lightly my darling,

on tiptoes and no luggage,

not even a sponge bag, completely unencumbered.”

— Aldous Huxley

This quote is one of my favorites and has become very relevant to me this year. It was first introduced to me by Joe who discovered it in Aldous Huxley’s book Island. 

It seems an inadvertent theme for me this year is “lightening up.” I say inadvertent because it sort of cropped up by accident, and I wasn’t planning on taking it seriously or even seeing progress because of it.

I started a tradition of making a note in my phone for every year and filling it with random thoughts, feelings, and memories chronologically ordered. It’s been a really cool habit because I can track my feelings or see what my interests were at the time or save funny quotes Joe says. This year the first thing I wrote was on New Year’s Day.

“This year I’d like to get less angry about things; learn to shrug stuff off, and be a little more easy going (Jan 1, 2019).”

overthinking

I’m not naturally an easy-going person and am not able to shrug things off when it comes to myself. I tend to overthink a lot of things, and as I was (over)thinking about this post, I skimmed through my notes to find examples of how overthink-y I can get.

Here is an entry from Summer 2018:

“Day 2: operation “stop overthinking things” is not going well. Try again tomorrow.”

And another from Fall 2018:

“I’m an overthinker. I always have been. It’s a habit I’m not very proud of, and I’d like if I could just chill sometimes. But other times, it seems kinda funny. Like I have this crazy person commentary in my head all the time. It helps me write. Like right now, I was overthinking and thinking about how I overthink, and then I started thinking of this exact commentary and had to write it down. It’s been quite an interesting experience.”

It is kinda funny and interesting, and it does help me write. Also I know how important it is to just accept yourself the way you are, but for some reason at the beginning of the year I casually decided I wanted to change that about myself…but I didn’t overthink it ;) and put it in the back of my mind. 

Into the year a lot of things started happening, and I got very depressed (more details in my last post). I had to make a lot of changes, but now and then I would think about that first thing I wrote in 2019, and I’d repeat to myself using Aldous Huxley’s phrasing, “be a little lighter.” Now and then when I would notice Joe overthinking or if I was getting dramatic or heavy about something, we would remind each other to “be lighter.” It became a running joke in our family. We didn’t think it would actually change anything, but we would always remind each other with a little smile.

I didn’t really believe those little jokey reminders would change anything long term, but they did.

Going back to the quote at the top, I can see why making this little “break” in my thought process to remember to “be lighter” stopped my overthinking brain which was dragging me deeper and deeper down into the darkness. “Quicksands” were definitely “sucking at [my] feet” and by quicksands I mean my old ways of thinking that were addicted to fixating on every negative passing thought and stringing it along for as long as possible. My brain loves it! It loves to be in despair! When I read the part “I was so preposterously serious in those days” I really relate. I noticed how I felt like a victim and took everything and every feeling I had so seriously. I got “sucked[ed] down into fear and self-pity and despair.” Simply recognizing this, breaking those streams of subconscious thought, and reminding myself to be light in a light, humorous way, started changing some habitual pathways in my brain remarkably.

It’s hard to put into words the changes I’ve seen in myself. I was talking to some friends the other night about it, and I’ve noticed myself feeling less inhibited and less self-critical in the past month and a half - these are things I’ve wanted to change for years, but I wasn’t even actively focusing on them. 

“It’s dark because you are trying too hard.”

 I realized it boils down to my decision to overthink less, be lighter, and stop trying so hard. 

“Throw away your baggage and go forward.” It’s such a burden to ruminate on every negative thought that enters your brain, and it’s terrifying to know that those thoughts are there but have no idea how to cure yourself of them. Recently I’ve noticed that a lot of my issues have been resolving themselves when I simply refuse to put up with them anymore and let them control me. Instead of focusing on them and over-analyzing the crap out of them, I lightly set them aside for a minute.

I end up at a tipping point where I say to myself, “I’m sick of being dragged down further into the depths of my brain and fighting it so hard.” As soon as I notice myself overthinking, I say out loud, “STOP. Be a little lighter.” 

One of my best friends once said, “Stop over-analyzing everything and just fucking live.” It wasn’t even meant for me, and yet it was so hard hitting and poignant, and I can still hear her voice in my head when I begin to overthink. 

I don’t want to minimize anyone’s problems or mental illnesses by saying you can just “stop” feeling that way. I know that mental illness is serious, and it’s very debilitating. I’ve been depressed several times, and the only way I’ve made any progress is by getting fed up living that way, which is a necessary precursor for change. You have to desire change.

I’ve realized how automatic we are. This involves the things you do, the things you think, the ways you react, the things you think about yourself and the world. Once you become conscious of your automatic patterns, you can break them and experience change. But before I knew they were automatic patterns, I thought they were just “who I was” and thought I would always be that way. That’s, thankfully, not true. 

I can’t say all this as well as Aldous Huxley, so before you go, go back up to the top, and read his quote again. Read it daily, and remind yourself daily to walk on tip toes so you guard yourself from getting dragged into the quicksands of a spiraling mind. 

Overthinking ain’t never helped nobody.

“Lightly, child, lightly.”

getting out of a slump

Joe and I experienced a particularly rough winter this year. Not because of worse weather or darker skies. We just moved to New York in October, and to be perfectly candid, we let a lot of anxiety from that decision and from the move build up inside us.

Every winter, I feel a slump from being stuck inside on cold, snowy, or rainy days, from long nights, and not enough light, but this year was the worst. The absolute worst. Joe and I had been fighting a ton which was unusual for us. We’ve been together for 10 years, and I’m not saying that fighting is unhealthy in a relationship, but it was becoming to constant. We felt so disconnected from each other. Hindsight is 20-20, and looking back, it’s obvious we both were dealing with problems within.

I had a really bad week in January, where I just about cried every day and felt so confused and worthless. This is super hard to write about now because it’s hard to be this vulnerable or even remember myself like that. It was the most depressed I had ever felt and the most depressed Joe and I had felt collectively. We didn’t tell anyone because we were embarrassed. Also, we thought, who could really help and who could really understand what we were going through? I know someone could have understood, but when you’re depressed, you feel so isolated. As if no one else could possibly feel like you do. The other side of that is the worry of being a “drag.” I’m so scared of dragging people down.

(Side note: this is a classic example of adding emotion to your emotion. I’m adding feeling “embarrassed” or “pathetic” to my already present emotion of “depression” which makes everything worse. I talk about this a little more in my post about self-awareness.)

After reaching a peak of negative feels, we decided something needed to change. Serendipitously, Joe was leaving for Palm Springs the following week to have a little hang-time/retreat with a friend. At first I was so so jealous of the desert sun he would soak up, but then we talked about how the trip couldn’t have come at a better time. His plan was to meditate and read books and chill. We thought of it as a reset. I was left alone in New York with Pilot and a cold which I used to my advantage to watch multiple seasons of Downton Abbey and eat large amounts of chips and salsa (the spiciness helped unclog my nose). One of the nights, I remembered a course we had bought by Jen Sincero (an author I like) that was supposed to help you achieve a goal in 8 weeks. Like any good online course, it had captured our attention for about a week or so before we forgot about it heh.

But, I remembered one of the initial videos had been really inspiring to watch and I thought, “Why not watch it again?” so I pulled it up on my laptop.

It was a good idea, as it turns out, because it sparked the following.

First of all, I realized I was carrying so much stress. Every day since I moved to Portland, I had an anxiety pit in my stomach because I always felt that I had to be doing more and building more contacts and moving forward and working on new projects. I recently found a journal entry from October 7, 2015 where I talk about how stressed out I am about freelancing and not having any money. It was really shocking to realize I’ve felt the same way for the past 3.5 years.

I’m sure you can understand as a fellow freelancer. Moving to New York, as it happened, was a culmination of feelings and emotions. It was the biggest “doing more” we had done yet and the pressure was on. I learned I was way too attached to my anxiety, too addicted to feeling inadequate and constantly forcing my mind to search for more and more things to do. I had turned things I loved into things I hated. I was terrified to look at my email or answer messages. I never rested my thoughts. Sure, I had glimpses of peace and even meditated sometimes, but I never understood just how much was building up inside me.

Here are the notes I took from that video and other thoughts I wrote down that night that led me to get out of my way, slow down, and heal.

High Vibe, High Five

• Get in touch with your feelings. Really feel it, breathe into it, identify where on your body you feel it, and then let it out.

• Create a ceremony for yourself. Put aside time every day to connect with yourself. Meditation/walk/coffee/etc.

• Pay attention to your surroundings. Surround yourself with high energy people and if you don’t know anyone, find a therapist or a coach. Also keep your surroundings at home or work nice and clean.

• Give something, do a good deed every day (as simple as a compliment).

• Remember that you are always learning; constantly be studying or reading something.

• Pay attention to what “raises your spirits.” For me it’s listening to upbeat music, watching a funny movie and ordering pizza :), going for a walk in nature, calling a friend, going out to eat at a favorite restaurant, reading a good and uplifting book.

Next I felt like I should think about my goals again. What do I really want? So I came up with this list.

Goals

• To be happy

• To be confident in myself

• To have fun

• To have freedom

• To have an amazing relationship with Joe

• To have friends I love and trust

• To be successful financially

I read this list to Joe over the phone while he was still in Palm Springs, and he said, “those sound so pure.” I knew what he meant. They were simple and so many of them were going back to the basics. Honestly I could do without the last one if all the others were true, and for the first time, I really do mean that.

Now it came down to the changes that needed to be made, and so I made a pact with myself.

Pact: For one month I will…

• Take things a little less seriously and be lighter

• Meditate every day

• Write every day

• Read my goals every day

• Read this list of high vibe things every day and try to incorporate it into my life

I didn’t trust myself to be completely perfect in this, but I followed through. From February 5 to March 5, I meditated 24 times. That’s 22 more times than I normally would do in a month! I read my lists and focused on my new goals. I read uplifting and encouraging books almost every morning with Joe over breakfast and coffee (always be learning and reading). I began to put my phone on airplane mode and set it in another room around 9 or 10 at night, and left it this way until after I had started my day - have you ever tried this? It’s soooo nice. I started to write again, and it felt so good. Joe and I made sure we were doing at least one thing a day for our mental heath, and healing our brains became our top priority.

After a week, I noticed a physical and mental difference. The anxiety pit in my stomach was smaller, and I didn’t feel so terribly worthless. In fact, spending all this time on myself had made me less concerned with myself. My mood swings lessened, and Joe (who made a similar pact) laughed about how different we felt so quickly. We grew closer and closer and our relationship mended. After the full month, neither of us could remember how badly we felt in the beginning. I had so much more energy and life within me. We actually felt happy - I’m not promising this to anyone, but the possibility for this change is real. It was seriously a laughable change, a life change. I am committed to protecting my mental health from here on out.

I see now how I was the only one who was standing in the way. My mindset was shaping my experience of life, and I was speaking horrible things to myself. Negative thoughts were going past me completely under the radar. I had let it get completely out of hand, and it was destroying me. I’m not saying this to blame myself. It’s actually quite empowering to think that you do have control over a lot of your life. But if you stop being vigilant, you can get carried away by yourself.

I used to think being positive was corny, but the opposite is not helping you. You can’t go all the way to “Yippee, I’m actually so loved and everything will be alright!” when you’re depressed. First you have to go to a place where you can just “be” and breathe.

We are miles better now, but are continuing to meditate and read daily. I’m not going to pretend I’m some sort of expert in this stuff, but if my experience can help someone, that’s amazing. If you are interested in helpful resources, I’m going to list our favorites below as well as books we’d like to read next. Books are so cheap, and they offer so much wisdom!

Resources

Headspace: this is the meditation app I’ve been using. I like the little animations it has to help you visualize certain meditation techniques, and I also like that it has 30-day courses that are based on a certain theme you may want to work on. For example I was just listening to the “managing anxiety” course.

Psycho-Cybernetics (Updated + Expanded) by Maxwell Maltz: this is one of our favorite books at the moment. We’re reading it through a second time. Broadly speaking, it’s about the power of thought and how your beliefs about yourself or the world can drastically hinder or help you.

Mind Platter by Najwa Zebian: this book was recommended to me by my sister-in-law, and it’s filled with one-page-long inspirational writings. It’s good to wake up and read one page before you start your day or read one page during a tough moment.

You Are a Bad Ass At Making Money by Jen Sincero: this was the first book that sparked off my craving for mental improvement. It’s a very easily digestible book, fast to read, with down to earth explanations, stories, and humor. It boils down to the power of thought and mindset.

Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Joe Dispenza: This is one of Joe’s favorites; I have only read the end (I know; I’m weird). This one has a 4 week meditation as a practical application to what you learn in the book. Joe is on week 4 and says he has never experienced such direct results from a book/guided meditation before. I’m excited to read it and try it!

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by Manual J. Smith, Ph.D.: we listened to this book on a road trip and realized how much we were afraid to say “no” and how much emotional manipulation is casually used in day to day life to keep you from saying “no.”

The Magic of Thinking Big by David J. Schwartz, Ph.D.: This one is also about the power of thought. It’s written from a very old perspective, so you have to take some of it with a grain of salt. The author loves using anecdotes about traveling salesmen. (1950s gangster voice) Salesmen, see?

Leaving the Fold by Marlene Winell, Ph.D.: We’re reading this book through a second time as well. It’s about healing from indoctrination and learning to trust your own intuition.

Choose Your Self by James Altucher: I haven’t read this book, but it is one of Joe’s favorites. It’s about power of thought/believing in yourself and putting yourself first. He says he likes it because it’s very practical.

The Acne Answer by Marie Véronique Nadeau: this one was really good for my skin care knowledge. I actually went to see the skin care specialist who helped write this book and now I use a ton of the Marie Véronique products. My skin has never been better. I’m planning on writing about my skincare once I’ve consistently used it for 6 months or so.

Heal: this is a Netflix documentary we recently watched and then watch again. Super recommend! It’s about the power of the mind.

Up Next

Freedom: The Courage to Be Yourself by Osho: found this by chance at Barnes & Noble, and I’m super excited to read it!

The Body Keeps Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.: this was recommended by a friend on instagram. Hi, friend!

The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz: A couple people have recommended this book to us on instagram. I don’t know much about it, but the tagline’s got me interested.

self-aware

This morning, Joe and I were reading a book together and somehow the topic of self-awareness came up. I suddenly had the realization that whenever I think about self-awareness, I think about it as it pertains to other people and what they think of me. I love when these bolts of lightning strike my mind and cause me to say, “I can’t believe I’ve been seeing X in this way for so long!”

Whenever someone talks about a person being self-aware, I immediately think it only means that they are very conscious of how their actions affect other people. For example, if you had little self-awareness, you wouldn’t have a problem talking loudly and obnoxiously on the subway (in my eyes). Let’s call this type of self-awareness “outward” self-awareness. When I truly think about it, I know that self-awareness has another side which involves looking more inwardly, but my automatic perception of the term goes to outward self-awareness.

Realizing this was another level of “oh, this is why I’m a person that cares so much what other’s think of me.” Not only do I simply care what other’s think of me, but I think it is super impolite to not care. When I try to look at why this is my go to understanding and meaning I’ve attached to self-awareness, I think of Michael Scott talking to the cameras about Andy when he’s hidden behind his office door:

“I don’t understand how someone can have so little self-awareness.”

To me, the opposite of this is obliviousness. If you’re oblivious to how weird/annoying/loud/hurtful you’re being, you’re not self-aware; and obliviousness has always annoyed the hell out of me. I think it stems from my dad. Growing up I witnessed him doing things that other people would get upset about, but he would never notice he was upsetting them. One time as a teenager, I witnessed a man who was sat in front of him on a plane repeatedly ask him to stop kneeing the back of his chair, and then after throwing my dad a dirty look, he left to find a new seat... When I got up to go to the bathroom, I saw the man sitting in the back, able to work on his laptop in peace. I was mortified. My dad never noticed nor apologized, and I guess you could say that scarred me in a way. I decided to try very hard to be conscious of other people. This was self-awareness to me, and it set the definition in my head: don’t be oblivious. I then took it to a new extreme where I could not relax lest I inadvertently bother another person.

Being self-aware enough to be conscious of other people isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it’s a positive Thing, but only to a certain extent. I started to regard my version of self-awareness as one of the highest personality traits you could have, and I judged other people based on that.

Sitting on the couch this morning, I slowly realized it had gotten completely out of hand for me and caused me to go above and beyond self-awareness and into extreme self-consciousness - and into extreme self-consciousness on behalf of the people around me. I laughed this morning as I told Joe that’s probably why I get so mad at him for taking up too much sidewalk on our walks (the sidewalks here are very narrow). I realized (and isn’t it funny how you “realize” things that you already know in some sense, but don’t really know know?)…I realized that there is another very important part of being self-aware and half of my attention should be shifted from the outward kind to the inward kind.

I felt like this shift in my personal definition of self-awareness gave me some freedom from my own brain, and opened up a door to be “lighter” about small situations where I was beating myself up with self-consciousness.

I looked up a couple of definitions of self-awareness and felt like they couldn’t encompass what it truly is, but I’ll tell you the basic google definition: conscious knowledge of one's own character, feelings, motives, and desires.

First of all isn’t it crazy that we as humans have the ability to look inward, know we are alive, know we are thinking and then examine our thoughts, judge them, and feel bad or good about ourselves based on internal motives or desires?! When was the last time you realized how weird it is that we ponder our own existence?

Recently my husband and I have been into learning about the brain, mindset, and automatic thought patterns and how they affect your experience of life. When I was looking up a definition about self-awareness, I stumbled upon an article with a few interesting points that tied back to this stuff. This quote really struck me, “The non-judgmental quality is an essential component to self-awareness. As we notice what’s happening inside us, we acknowledge and accept them as the inevitable part of being human, rather than giving ourselves a hard time about it.”

The “non-judgmental quality” is something I was missing and something I never knew existed when I encountered my own inward self-awareness. I was all too aware and yet all too judgy.

Lately I’ve been discovering so many things about life that leave me feeling, “I had no idea you could live life like this or think in this way!” It is so insane that you can have thought after thought, subconsciously popping in and out of your head, and then judge yourself for thinking that or for doing that. When I feel sad or depressed, I judge myself as weak or pathetic, when I feel angry or annoyed, I get more angry and annoyed at myself for feeling that way. When I feel tired and want to rest, I call myself lazy. When I want to say no, I call myself selfish.

“Hey can I get some air traffic control over here?!”

Joe and I have both been struggling with this in part due to our very religious upbringing and deeply ingrained shame and guilt. My takeaway from this and my journey through mindfulness, is to accept myself more and not add emotion to emotion or judgement to feelings. Being self-aware is a gift if used carefully.

Somewhere in the middle of our discussion about this, I said to Joe, “I wish I was simple minded and didn’t think about how I’m thinking,” but then I quickly realized that is not true.

Self-awareness gives me the power to learn how to stop my automatic thoughts and rearrange them for my benefit.

i hope i never make you feel...

One of social media’s greatest talents is making you feel inadequate in some sort of way. I feel it, too. And if you use any avenue of social media frequently, and don’t feel it, congratulations. You’ve escaped some sort of psychological, slow and subtle torture (enjoy the semi-serious sarcasm). I know I don’t have much influence, but I’ve probably made someone out there feel slightly inadequate at one time or another. Maybe we’re all guilty. So here’s this:

I hope I never make you feel like you need to buy more clothes.

Yes, I post about clothes, but please don’t feel like you need to buy more. If you’re feeling bad, new clothes won’t help you. I know. I’ve tried. I don’t often shop/buy new clothes - at least by today’s instagram standards. A lot of my clothes are thrifted or really old or I went momentarily mad and dropped a lot of money on a special piece. Because I’ve been consistent with posting outfits made up of thrifted clothing, some brands do decide to send me clothes to photograph. But guess what, if you think getting to this point will solve all your problems, it won’t.

I hope I never make you feel like you need a cuter apartment.

Our apartment is awesome, but that’s because I’m choosing to look at its pros. Every place and thing and person has pros. Our apartment has about three angles in which it looks sweet. The other part I’m not showing you is a nasty kitchen and a nonexistent other part because our apartment is so small that if I backed up one more step while taking some of my cute photos, I would back into a wall. It’s on a busy street, and we frequently hear sirens and honking horns (c’mon it’s New York). Someone downstairs is a chain smoker, and it gives me a headache. At least once a day, Joe and I bump our hip or shin on something squeezing into the kitchen, into the closet, or around the bed while making it.

I hope I never make you feel like you need to eat out at nicer places.

One of my favorite things is going out to eat. And when we go out, we’ll pick a fun, trendy looking place, and I’ll share it. Only sharing your good/beautiful/curated times on instagram is completely fine. It’s when you start to believe it’s a person’s entire life that does some damage. Joe and I love ordering domino’s, dumplings, and frequently cook at home. But you know what, domino’s is really beautiful and trendy, and I can’t wait to post about them more #ad #jk #iwish #dominosplzhalpme

I hope I never make you feel like you have to have more money.

If you ever wonder how we have money to live our lifestyle, I’m right there with you. hahahahaha. But remember like I said above: I thrift for clothes or don’t buy them, we’ve compromised on the size of our apartment to get a cheaper rate on one with a photogenic corner, and we eat on the cheap usually. That way we save up money to spend on some fun things like trips, coffees, pastries, nice dinners, thrifting etc. I end up feeling poor a lot because instagram makes it seem like everyone is so rich. I’m not poor, but I am not wealthy. Maybe wealthy in sarcasm AAAYOOOO.

I hope I never make you feel like to need to find a perfect life partner.

Joe and I are very happy together. But we aren’t perfect; it may look that, but we have been together for 10 years and have had our share of fights. Find someone who you can fight with and who will listen to you. If you can’t find that, stay single. A relationship takes a lot of work to maintain. It comes with pros, but it’s not all peaches and cream. Joe, if you’re reading this, I love you.

I hope I never make you feel like you need a more interesting career.

A while ago, Joe and I started to pursue fashion photography and now I’m pursuing blogging/writing whatever. It’s going well, but it’s always slower and a lot more work than it looks. There’s not an hour that goes by that I’m not thinking of new ways to improve our businesses or thinking I should be working harder or feeling guilty when work is slow. Having a freelance career, while exciting, can feel like a constant stress. It’s not all rosy.

I hope I never make you feel like you need more followers on Instagram.

While I don’t have that many followers at all, I have sat back at some point and said, “if only I could just reach 5k…” and on our photography account I’ve thought, “if only we could get past 10k…” While I have reached both those goals, I’m surprised to find that no magically fairy has come down to shine favor on me with more collaborations or more work or exposure. As I look forward with the same attitude of “if I only I could reach (fill in the blank) number of followers…” I can only surmise that the feeling will inevitably be the same no matter what number I reach.

I hope I never make you feel like you need to be happier.

I am not happy all the time. And sometimes I pretend like I am happier online because I am self-conscious of being a “downer”. I have a bad day three times or more a week. YAY! I really hope you appreciated this “downer” post :)

Do you see the point? Things don’t make you happier. An instagram perfect life doesn’t make you happier. And while you all are probably thinking, “duh, Katie, we know that,” I’m sure you could use the reminder as could I.

I am working towards becoming who I truly am and loving that girl regardless. I am working towards being secure in what I already have. I’ve worked really hard to get to where I am, and it’s important to stop, look around, and appreciate your life even when it’s not perfect. It’s totally fine to have goals or things you want, but don’t waste any time thinking you won’t be happy until you have them. When you can accept yourself now, the goals and achievements will be all the sweeter.

I know this is corny, but

“I like corny. I’m looking for corny in my life.”

10 points to Gryffindor for naming who said that last quote.

how to not care what people think

I’m the last person who should be talking about this, don’t get me wrong. But I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. How do you not care what people think? 

I came up with a cool idea to ward off “the cares” and I’ve been putting it in place.

Joe and I have always been interested in improving our minds and thoughts, and although these things take time and practice, I’m finally starting to notice some results. There are certain things that I’m sure other people wouldn’t notice that are finally starting to heal in me. For the first time in my life I’m experiencing freedom from challenges that I thought were just a lifelong problem - or my personal, lifelong handicaps.

You care what others think, you worry, you’re a pessimist, you’re shy, you’re not good at talking to people, you’re not pretty, you’re body is weird, you’re bad at making decisions, you routinely have regret, blah blah. These are your identities, you think, but guess what, you’re wrong. YOU’RE WRONG! Wish I could shout it off the roof tops:

YOU’RE FREAKING WRONG!

I grew up using “that’s just the way I am,” as a common excuse and an accepted truth. I always thought I would be negative. I wished I could be more like people I admired. But I thought they were just blessed with whatever qualities I envied.

I’m not playing. You believe a lot of things about yourself that are simply made up. You made it true because you told yourself that for so long. 

I’ve been testing this out.

I thought I would always care what other people thought. Whenever I would confess to someone that I was feeling bad that day because I was caring too much about what another person said or did or thought, someone would say, “just try not to care.” 

HOW???

Exactly. How? I needed a plan to practice. A few days ago, I had this vision, this picture, an image on how to practice not caring. And I coached myself into seeing it like this:

Right now you have this tiny ball of light inside you. It’s like your self-confidence, but it contains even more than those words can hold. It’s what you think of yourself, your attitude, your outlook, your open-mindedness, your happiness with your life and self, your judgements of others, etc. It’s very small, so other people’s “balls” radiate super easily into your personal space and body because your little ball is so weak and small that it doesn’t protect you at all. 

Build up that little ball of light. Imagine it extending out through your body and out into the room you’re in. Now imagine it covering other people. How does it feel?

Let’s go back to the top. Remember how I said you were believing things you thought were true, but they’re probably not true?

(btw even if you “think” they’re true, are they helping you? ….yeah…..no)

What if you thought “I’m really positive!” Or “I’m really cool!” What do you think would happen?

(what would happen is you might feel silly at first, but then you’d be like “oh I can see how saying bad things all day exacerbated my problems.” bingo)

If you don’t want to do anything besides imagining your confidence ball getting bigger, then great. I’m sure this will have some positive effects. But let me share some things that have really helped build up this little ball inside me. 

help to build up your light ball

• Read something positive or inspiring every day (this could be as simple as following an instagram account like @subliming.jpg)

• Stop guilting yourself. Ever.

• Meditate.

• Replace negative thoughts with positive ones (if this is unbelievable, replace them with ones that are slightly less negative and work your way up)

• Go on a walk.

• Play a song you love super loudly and sing along.

• Drink a kombucha and feel proud you did something for your gut flora.

• If you do anything good, feel proud and celebrate.

• Do something fun every day or something that makes you smile.

• If you’re alone, get wild and dance or sing really loudly into a corner (it sounds cool).

• When you’re spiraling, notice the spiral and label it “huh I’m thinking” or “I’m feeling” and see if it helps to shut off your brain for a sec.

• Don’t guilt yourself for not doing these things.

• Don’t feel bad if these things seem hard.

• Notice when you’re making excuses.

• If you’re thinking, “I have to do all these things simultaneously or they won’t help.” STOP. That’s wrong. Merely becoming aware is helping you already.

• Feel proud of yourself for becoming more aware.

• Feel thankful for air to breathe and take the biggest breath you ever took.

I’ve been doing these things at random for a year or so, and this morning I had the realization: My little ball of light is way bigger than it used to be.

Imagine it spreading out even more. It extends beyond your body and out into the area around you. So much so that you almost can’t hear what that other person said about you or don’t even notice feeling self-conscious. It makes you feel full in a way that nothing can bother you. The light mutes the negative thoughts. Nothing can penetrate your ball of light. 

I know what you’re all thinking.

Yes. it is like a Patronus from Harry Potter. 

Sometimes the ball you’re radiating will extend, but be a little too weak to ward off the Dementors, but practicing on smaller things and situations, like a boggart, will help :)

Practice building that inner ball up and practice radiating it out.

Haha right now I’m worrying what other people will think of this. I need a bigger ball ;) Consider this my practice for the day. Good job, self.

opening up

Being misunderstood is one of my greatest fears. Maybe that seems dumb to you, but don’t misunderstand me. Maybe it's one of your fears, too.

Sharing what you think is scary. You think what you think for a reason. Because of your background and your experiences. When other people misunderstand what you think, they essentially misunderstand your life/who you are/who you were/whatever.

I’m scared to say what I think online or even worse, in public to real faces.

What if they get offended? (always thought people got offended too easily)

What if they tell me I’m ignorant? (why do I care what others think about me?)

What if I get unfollowed? (#yikes)

What if I ruin my reputation? (cue Joan Jett)

But what if…

Someone agrees and we form a new friendship?

I help someone else open up?

I take off my bland visage and become who I really am?

What if I finally feel free?

Hardly anyone knows who I am. Probably hardly anyone knows who you are. Is it important to share yourself online? Maybe not. But is it bad to bottle yourself up? Yes.

My friend told me about this quote, and I think it's fitting: "That is, to be ourselves cause us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves." - Clarissa Pinkola Estes

I feel bottled up. I’m shook. Pop. Fizzzzzzzz. Here I am.

ravings of a lunatic

I’m depressed a lot. Hello. People talk about it, but they don’t really talk about it. You’re still a little ashamed of being depressed. Sometimes I feel like a leper. I don’t want to tell people about it because what will they do? Nothing. Feel sorry for you, that’s all. And try to stay away from your negative vibes. 

“Oh did you hear?”

“What?”

“She’s depressed now; she’s been doing bad lately.”

“That’s sucks. Wow… whelp should we go grab some dinner.”

“Sure!”

I never want to be a drag, but I hate holding it in. I know there are other people who identify with me, so I guess this is for you. You’re not alone.

Now that I’m older, I see being an artist and being depressed going hand in hand. It’s so sensitive. “Do people like my art?” “Do they like me?” “If they like my art, they’ll like me, right?” "Does my art even matter?" In a world where you conquer your emotions and mindset, I don’t think it needs to go hand in hand. But what about the now? How do you feel now? Now? I feel like crap.

We put all of ourselves into everything we create. It’s a piece of our soul. It’s our dream. It’s what we most desire to make. It’s so sensitive. You see all your friends doing incredible things and having success. It hurts. Why not you? When is your turn?

I have these negative thoughts that subconsciously creep into my mind. They tell me I’m alone. That I’m the only one who feels this way. That I’m not good enough; I’m not cool enough; I’m not pretty enough; I’m not enough. But even now writing them out, they seem ridiculous. Why can’t my subconscious mind talk to me like my conscious mind? 

Katie, chill out, you’re gonna be fine. Look, I know you don’t trust anyone else’s opinion, so here is your own: Yes, you are sensitive, but it helps you see a lot of things and understand a lot more things. It leads you to write a really open, honest, (and yes, you’d call it embarrassing) personal pep talk, that is probably helping you right now. Who else publicly writes these for themselves?! You’re hilarious and so honest. You’re on the right track. I know because I can feel it in my/our gut. Your life is wonderful and you’re an artist. You’re gonna be fine; you’re gonna get there. I know.

Fin

Ravings of a Lunatic Act 1 Scene 1

happy one year

My blog is one year old today. Let's celebrate.

I've tried to start a blog multiple times, but this is the first time it has really worked out. Not because of anything in particular, but simply because it's the right time. 

I beat myself up a lot wishing I would have more accomplished by now. If only I would've cared at an earlier age. Like I should have eaten healthier as a teenager or learned how to be non-shy at a normal developmental age. Wish I would have gotten an art degree. Wish I would have moved away sooner. Wish I started photography earlier. Wish I would have been more brave.

But everything happens at the right time.

I like to think of my 8th grade self sometimes. She was sweet Her defining qualities were "being nice" and "being good at drawing"; she had a crush on the Keeper from Harry Potter, a crush on Legolas/Orlando Bloom, wanted a boyfriend really bad, had the worst teeth ever, was really self-conscience of her glasses that her mom thought were cute, wished she was cooler.

If she could have known that her life was going to be like this (insert every amazing thing I have), she would have been so excited to grow up.

It puts everything back into perspective for me. That no matter where you start, you can improve.

So this celebration is more than just having a dumb blog for one year. It's to celebrate everything that's been accomplished in the last year(s) and to be happy that, no matter where you started, you're here now. 

listen to Aromanticism by Moses Sumney for mood.

i like clothes

I’m a little too obsessed with what people think of me, and I’m obsessed with thinking I know exactly what you’re thinking about me. I probably don’t know what you’re really thinking about me, but either way I’m exhausted.

When I tell people I like clothes and I like fashion, I think you’re thinking, “that is really superficial…you’re really superficial…how can you care so much about something as trivial as what you wear?…”

 Well guess what people! I LIKE CLOTHES! I’ve always liked clothes and fashion and I’m always gonna like it. It’s taken me a long time to fully admit this to myself (but c’mon, my very first email was fashionfreak4U@hotmail.com). 

Because it’s taken me so long to admit this, I’ve always felt insecure about “dressing up” or wearing exactly what I want for fear of being mocked. Every time I’d wear something “out of the ordinary” my family or someone would make a comment about it, and I didn’t have the guts to ignore it. So because of this, I’d just wear a cool outfit for some photos, then change back to “normal” clothes before anyone could make fun of me. That’s how my first fashion blog went back in 2011. And it wasn’t successful.

Last winter, when I started this blog, I went through a process of allowing myself to like fashion, my personal fashion, again. It felt so right, and I’ve never enjoyed instagramming and blogging so much in my life. That doesn’t mean that I wear something worthy of fashion week every day, but I am letting myself be myself and work with what I have to wear something I like. Get it?

Things I like about fashion:

1. Everyone participates in it every day whether they want to or not.

2. It sends a message to people in one glance.

3. It has the power to make you confident (or insecure).

4. It’s always changing, evolving.

5. It’s an everyday art form; it flows and has movement, can be practical or not.

The End.

shoes by intentionally ________, jeans by levis, top, jacket, and purse thrifted, glasses from the frankie shop