if i was a novelist..

If I was a novelist, my apartment would provide the best material.

After a month here, I have some good characters and good stories.

The first day we got to our place, we decided to give it a deep clean (it was sick). We stopped off at Ikea and Home Depot for a new mattress and sheets, cleaning supplies, and paint for the next day. That night, sweating from scrubbing some scum off the windows, we heard a knock on the door.

“Did someone just knock on our door?”

We opened our door to a lady in pajamas and a handkerchief wrapped around two buns on top of her head. 

“Sorry, to bother you,” she said, “I’m Karen (pseudonym).” She preceded to tell us how she’s lived in the building for 19 years and our landlord (who lives in Texas) asked her to come over and tell us about garbage, recycling, etc. We invited her in and had a lovely chat with her. She really seemed to know a lot about the building and we could tell, took deep pride in the fact that she was appointed a sort of Assistant to the Regional Landlord. She was the one who brought the garbage out to the sidewalk and organized it on Friday and Tuesday nights, so she wanted us to know how it works. It was very important. She shared a few restaurant recommendations with us and started to tell us about the other neighbors in the building. Rickie was the disabled man who lived upstairs with his caretaker, who we will call Dimitri, and about three times a week an ambulance comes to pick him up for dialysis. “So don’t be worried if you see EMT people helping him down the stairs. It’s normal!” At this moment, Dimitri, was coming down the stairs, and Karen quickly introduced us. He had the look of a young Soviet punk complete with shaved head and pasty skin; someone who you wouldn’t prefer to come across in a dark alley. He went downstairs and came back up with two Domino’s pizzas, and then we knew we could find some common ground with him. 

Karen said goodnight, and we went on with our cleaning.

Garbage and recycling night finally arrived, and we were excited to bring out a bunch of crap accumulating in our place. Karen was already outside organizing the different types of trash into piles on the subway grates. She proceeded to doubt whether or not they would take some of the things we brought down (but we knew they would and did ha). She likes to have everything just so. Apparently our other neighbor, Carlos, had put a giant and heavy tv mount in the bottom of a trash bag because he “just doesn’t care.” Karen complained about him for a while and said the bag would’ve ripped if she didn’t notice it. We’re not sure she ever leaves the apartment except to make sure the garbage is acceptably sorted and packed. 

She’s like that girl in school who loved being the hall monitor and took it really seriously.

Early the next morning, we were getting ready to go out on a walk to the pastry shop we walk to every day, and our doorbell rang.

“I’ll go check who that is I guess.” And I went out into the hall and started to walk down the stairs. Karen opened her door just a crack. It was all dark behind her like she was just emerging from a gloomy cave. She was still in her bathrobe, her hair up in a handkerchief again. “Was the doorbell for you?” 

“I don’t know. I’m going to see who it is.”

“They rang my doorbell, too.” She said.

It was a guy coming to check the meters. Karen still was peaking out her door at the top of the stairs and started to yell at him. 

“You didn’t need to ring all the doorbells…where are meters usually? …In the basement, right? …So that means you would need to ring the bell of the person on the garden level …No don’t go back out again. You can get there from here…”

At this point, I let her take over because of her background and knowledge and went back inside the apartment. 

A week went by, and we were out to dinner. We got a text from Karen asking if we were home. No, we were out to dinner.

“Tell me when you get home; there’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

Okay?? What tho?

I made Joe text back, “is it about the garbage?” Because it seemed to always be about that. She texted back “no *upside down smiley face*”

Wow. Interest piqued. Very scared.

Came home. She wanted us to call her and made sure it was on speaker phone so both of us could hear…

“So I think now would be a good time for you to email our landlord and ask for anything you want fixed because you just moved in. Also, if you guys drive to the grocery store, do you think I could tag along?”

There have been a few texts about how to properly throw away the recycling in the meantime but laaaaaast night…

Joe and I were watching a movie (Horrible Bosses - yes it was horrible), and we heard some shouting outside. We have been keeping one window cracked because the radiator is so hot and heats our place to oven temperatures, so we heard Her voice easily. 

“Shhh pause the movie! Do you hear that?”

It was Karen on the front steps outside.

“That’s really obnoxious, you know…just idling there…it’s really loud. You’re an asshole….yeah I said it, you’re an ASSHOLE! If you don’t leave I’m going to call the cops.”

By this point we of course have turned off all the lights and crouched by the windows trying to get a look at who she could be possibly yelling at. Seemed an overreaction because we hadn’t heard anything before her shouting. 

Apparently there was a guy sitting in his running car outside our place, talking on his car’s speaker phone with the windows down. Yes, it was annoying, but still.

So then we heard her come back upstairs. And in the hall, I hear her loudly say,

“hello?”

And again, a little louder,

“HELLO?”

At first I thought she was calling out to us, but she would’ve knocked or texted. I was sure as heck not going to go out in the hall and ask.

We decided to text her. 

First of all, what the heck?! That doesn’t make any sense. She definitely just lied to us. But for what reason? Also all the time she’s been texting us, she has been very careful with spelling, grammar, and punctuation. AAAAnd when she wants to do a smiley face, she uses an emoji, not this punctuation garbage.

SO of course our over active minds (mainly mine) thought, “this isn’t her texting us back. She was murdered!”

We decided not to text back because if we admitted that we overheard her actual conversation outside and in the hall, the killer (who was obviously texting with us) would think we knew too much and would kill us, too.

Smart. 

So we just went back to watching a movie. And we’re pretty sure everything is just fine. Phew.

Join me next time for Chronicles with Karen. 

moving to portland was our best decision so far

Let’s rewind three and half years…

Joe and I were living in a small city in Wisconsin. He: a software developer, me: a wedding photographer. Us: aspiring artists. I can’t tell you the real reason we decided to move. I think we made something up like, “We want to be in a bigger community of artists,” “We want more photographer friends,” “We think the pacific northwest is so beautiful and inspiring…” but really I just had this gut feeling that we needed to move to the west coast.

And so we started going through the process. The process consisted of asking Joe’s boss if he could work remotely, selling our house (we had bought a house the previous year for $80k - so cheap!), then fixing up our house (apparently it had a crap load of problems), and of course telling all our friends and family. 

We were lucky that most everyone was supportive and everything worked out. But of course there were some worries and fears from the people close to us. You can never fully explain how you feel completely confident that this risk is worth it for you. 

I can barely remember the stress of the situation, it seemed like all the pieces fell together lightning fast, and before we knew it, we were on the road. My memory of the road trip was amazing. We were excited and overjoyed to be together all day and see new sights as we headed out west. The land is beautiful between the midwest and the west, and I’d highly recommend taking the trek (we’ve driven it about five times now).

I remember driving into Portland for the first time after 30+ hours of sitting in the car. It was full of construction and city sounds, new things we didn’t see the first time we visited, and the anxiety that we had to figure this out now. We drove to our apartment (which we chose and signed for purely online ;) and found it was much smaller than expected, but still very new and nice. We also found out our furniture and things couldn’t be delivered for two weeks because we hadn’t scheduled out parking for the truck. An oversight. Both of us took Pilot, our dog, on a walk around the neighborhood, silently. I knew we were both overwhelmed and eventually joked about how we were so wide-eyed and shocked to have no bearings whatsoever. We literally didn’t know a single person or neighborhood. I remember thinking, “I don’t even know what kinds of grocery stores they have here!” Such a basic need. We spent the next two weeks sleeping and working on an air mattress in our very empty apartment. I think Hulu just added a ton of seasons of The Brady Bunch, and I watched them all eeeee.

Through that stress, I (we) knew it was so good for us. Two kids from Wisconsin who had never lived or known anything else. We were obsessed with personal growth at the time, but never expected to grow as much as we did.

Community and bearings came quickly and easily. We met friends through instagram, and then friends of those friends. The baristas at our favorite coffee shop soon knew us by name, and we felt at home after one month.

Over and over again we said, “This is the best decision we ever made!”

We were meeting creative people, working on fun shoots, finally getting paid for fashion photography (even if they were small gigs), and driving out to the most gorgeous landscapes we had ever seen.

About a year in, we met Sara and Phil, and little did we know, they would become the closest friends we ever had. They helped us grow and made us the people we are today. 

I’ll never ever regret moving to Portland; I can’t imagine what our life would have looked like had we not moved. Now it’s led us on a path to New York City, a place I never thought I would live. Who knows what will happen next! But none of this would have happened if we didn’t follow our guts. I think if you’re thinking you don’t belong in a place or feel limited by your surroundings, take heed. Only you know what you need. It rhymes, too.

Writing this, I have two memories of separate people who told us “You’ll be back in a year.”

Haha if only we could get one of those satisfyingly vindictive movie moments to say…

“LOOK AT ME NOW PUNK!” 

I remember hearing them and feeling really discouraged. What’s the point of telling someone “you’ll be back” or “you need a backup plan” when they are excited to go somewhere? Is it because that’s what you would do? Is it because you’re scared to fail? Is it because you never take risks? Or you don’t actually have their best interest at heart? 

There’s an important lesson here. And it’s follow your own gut. Because the other person’s gut is probably filled with processed foods and non-organic veggies hahahahahahhhahahaha. 

Thanks for listening.

Yes, I laugh at my own jokes. 

one roll of film ep. 4

Very late, but I’m continuing this one roll of film series. I love getting a roll of random black and whites back. Here we find ourselves in the desert with our friends Ben and Katch.

one roll of film ep. 3

Our last days in Portland and our road trip across the country…

how to not care what people think

I’m the last person who should be talking about this, don’t get me wrong. But I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. How do you not care what people think? 

I came up with a cool idea to ward off “the cares” and I’ve been putting it in place.

Joe and I have always been interested in improving our minds and thoughts, and although these things take time and practice, I’m finally starting to notice some results. There are certain things that I’m sure other people wouldn’t notice that are finally starting to heal in me. For the first time in my life I’m experiencing freedom from challenges that I thought were just a lifelong problem - or my personal, lifelong handicaps.

You care what others think, you worry, you’re a pessimist, you’re shy, you’re not good at talking to people, you’re not pretty, you’re body is weird, you’re bad at making decisions, you routinely have regret, blah blah. These are your identities, you think, but guess what, you’re wrong. YOU’RE WRONG! Wish I could shout it off the roof tops:

YOU’RE FREAKING WRONG!

I grew up using “that’s just the way I am,” as a common excuse and an accepted truth. I always thought I would be negative. I wished I could be more like people I admired. But I thought they were just blessed with whatever qualities I envied.

I’m not playing. You believe a lot of things about yourself that are simply made up. You made it true because you told yourself that for so long. 

I’ve been testing this out.

I thought I would always care what other people thought. Whenever I would confess to someone that I was feeling bad that day because I was caring too much about what another person said or did or thought, someone would say, “just try not to care.” 

HOW???

Exactly. How? I needed a plan to practice. A few days ago, I had this vision, this picture, an image on how to practice not caring. And I coached myself into seeing it like this:

Right now you have this tiny ball of light inside you. It’s like your self-confidence, but it contains even more than those words can hold. It’s what you think of yourself, your attitude, your outlook, your open-mindedness, your happiness with your life and self, your judgements of others, etc. It’s very small, so other people’s “balls” radiate super easily into your personal space and body because your little ball is so weak and small that it doesn’t protect you at all. 

Build up that little ball of light. Imagine it extending out through your body and out into the room you’re in. Now imagine it covering other people. How does it feel?

Let’s go back to the top. Remember how I said you were believing things you thought were true, but they’re probably not true?

(btw even if you “think” they’re true, are they helping you? ….yeah…..no)

What if you thought “I’m really positive!” Or “I’m really cool!” What do you think would happen?

(what would happen is you might feel silly at first, but then you’d be like “oh I can see how saying bad things all day exacerbated my problems.” bingo)

If you don’t want to do anything besides imagining your confidence ball getting bigger, then great. I’m sure this will have some positive effects. But let me share some things that have really helped build up this little ball inside me. 

help to build up your light ball

• Read something positive or inspiring every day (this could be as simple as following an instagram account like @subliming.jpg)

• Stop guilting yourself. Ever.

• Meditate.

• Replace negative thoughts with positive ones (if this is unbelievable, replace them with ones that are slightly less negative and work your way up)

• Go on a walk.

• Play a song you love super loudly and sing along.

• Drink a kombucha and feel proud you did something for your gut flora.

• If you do anything good, feel proud and celebrate.

• Do something fun every day or something that makes you smile.

• If you’re alone, get wild and dance or sing really loudly into a corner (it sounds cool).

• When you’re spiraling, notice the spiral and label it “huh I’m thinking” or “I’m feeling” and see if it helps to shut off your brain for a sec.

• Don’t guilt yourself for not doing these things.

• Don’t feel bad if these things seem hard.

• Notice when you’re making excuses.

• If you’re thinking, “I have to do all these things simultaneously or they won’t help.” STOP. That’s wrong. Merely becoming aware is helping you already.

• Feel proud of yourself for becoming more aware.

• Feel thankful for air to breathe and take the biggest breath you ever took.

I’ve been doing these things at random for a year or so, and this morning I had the realization: My little ball of light is way bigger than it used to be.

Imagine it spreading out even more. It extends beyond your body and out into the area around you. So much so that you almost can’t hear what that other person said about you or don’t even notice feeling self-conscious. It makes you feel full in a way that nothing can bother you. The light mutes the negative thoughts. Nothing can penetrate your ball of light. 

I know what you’re all thinking.

Yes. it is like a Patronus from Harry Potter. 

Sometimes the ball you’re radiating will extend, but be a little too weak to ward off the Dementors, but practicing on smaller things and situations, like a boggart, will help :)

Practice building that inner ball up and practice radiating it out.

Haha right now I’m worrying what other people will think of this. I need a bigger ball ;) Consider this my practice for the day. Good job, self.

Paris

Here are some photos from our trip to Paris for my 30 birthday. Paris was laughably romantic. So please laugh. Shot on a messed up contax g2 and an olympus xa2. Listen to this while viewing.

And now for some black and white...

happy birthday joe

I had so much trouble writing this post about Joe.

I think I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to do him justice, like words alone weren’t able to describe how I love him or how awesome he is. The fear of this paralyzed my writing brain. I’ve never publicly written about Joe - the most important person in my life.

How do you describe someone you love so much? How do you make it sound original and not trite? How can I explain that he’s my best friend without everyone thinking, “yeah, that’s how every relationship is…” It’s not the same. He's my soulmate.

Happy Birthday, 28-year-old Joe. You’ve always been the youngest in our friend groups, but no one would ever notice. Your wisdom and attitude is far beyond your years. You offer a calming presence, a listening ear, a peacemaking attitude, a thoughtful mind, a powerful perspective. You’re all this and more, and still, you haven’t reached your full potential. It’s so amazing to think that every year we’re together, you grow more and more beautiful.

I’m so lucky to have you.

You’re the kind of person everyone likes and the kind of person anyone can get along with. I can’t think of a single person you’ve ever offended or a single person you’ve rubbed the wrong way. Everyone I’ve met from your past and present respects and admires you. You even charm older ladies in the supermarket with your lovely locks and icy blue eyes. 

In contrast with me, a required-taste and a feisty personality, you seem like a saint. Thank you for loving me so well and never faltering. 

I’ve compared myself to you for years, worrying that you’re too good for me, too even-tempered for me, too perfect for me, and too good-looking for me. 

Now I’m learning to just be thankful you’re here.

No one gets this Joe, but me. 

one roll of film ep. 2

here are some black and white photos from may. i realized after the fact that there was a fingerprint on the lens (the lens is the size of my fingerprint), and it made all the photos hazy. let's call it a cool effect.

opening up

Being misunderstood is one of my greatest fears. Maybe that seems dumb to you, but don’t misunderstand me. Maybe it's one of your fears, too.

Sharing what you think is scary. You think what you think for a reason. Because of your background and your experiences. When other people misunderstand what you think, they essentially misunderstand your life/who you are/who you were/whatever.

I’m scared to say what I think online or even worse, in public to real faces.

What if they get offended? (always thought people got offended too easily)

What if they tell me I’m ignorant? (why do I care what others think about me?)

What if I get unfollowed? (#yikes)

What if I ruin my reputation? (cue Joan Jett)

But what if…

Someone agrees and we form a new friendship?

I help someone else open up?

I take off my bland visage and become who I really am?

What if I finally feel free?

Hardly anyone knows who I am. Probably hardly anyone knows who you are. Is it important to share yourself online? Maybe not. But is it bad to bottle yourself up? Yes.

My friend told me about this quote, and I think it's fitting: "That is, to be ourselves cause us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves." - Clarissa Pinkola Estes

I feel bottled up. I’m shook. Pop. Fizzzzzzzz. Here I am.

thirty years

I’m 30 today. After all the hype, it’s finally here, and I feel…THE SAME!

I’ve been thinking about what to write about this birthday for a while. What wisdom can I impart? Do I have any in the first place? ;) I went through the whole, “holy crap! I’m gonna be 30!” phase. And “wow, did I do everything I wanted to do before 30?”

Then yesterday, I came to the conclusion, “WHO CARES?!” This past year I’ve been learning to make the distinction between what people think of me and what I think of me. Here is a perfect time to practice. Why do we think 30 is old/a milestone/a benchmark? Why do we think we need to have a, b, or c accomplished before 30?

We put that pressure on ourselves (or we think other people are putting it on us). All that matters is that you’re slowly moving towards who you want to be and what you want to do. And age doesn’t matter.

I’m a little bit happier, a little more enlightened, and a little bit closer to my goals than last year, so YAY.

Things this past year of life has taught me:

• The most important person you need love from isn’t your s/o, your friends, your parents, or even God. It’s you. You need to love you.

• Mindset changes everything.

• If you don’t like something about yourself, you can change it.

• If you tell yourself, "everything is hard for me," everything will seem hard for you.

• If you tell yourself, "everything is easy for me," everything will seem easy for you.

• If your brain is spiraling out of control with a thought or feeling, label it “thinking” or “feeling,” and it will calm your mind.

• There’s no use stressing about things you can’t control. It’s a waste of energy (something I always “knew” but never really knew).

• Also, everything is going to be okay.

peet rivko

I'm always looking for new skincare - I'm never satisfied. Recently I heard about the brand Peet Rivko through instagram or Man Repeller (can't remember which was first), but it caught my eye because of its short list of ingredients and its claim to be skincare "simplified" (oh and the fact that Aubrey Plaza endorsed it, and I love her).

There are a lot of "natural" products out there for sensitive skin, but the more I try, the more I realize that a lot of brands that are natural are not actually good for people who actually have sensitive skin. 

I found out that I'm extremely sensitive to essential oils - any kind! Like get that out of my facial oils, moisturizers, and cleansers! I've been researching it more and found out a ton of people have problems with essential oils on their faces, too. Some essential oils are only used for added fragrance which is something you should avoid when choosing products. 

Anyway Joe and I were in LA and having terrible skin and decided to try Peet Rivko. "Zero toxins" great! "Zero irritants/fragrances/essential oils" awesome! "Skincare, simplified" yes, please! We ordered a travel kit which comes with a mini cleanser, moisturizer, and oil. Perfect! I love when skincare brands make it easy to try their products. 

Without too much extra fluff, here are my thoughts about it:

I didn't like the cleanser. Joe did, but he doesn't have to take off make up. I felt like the cleanser didn't clean my face at all, so I'm sticking with my avocado oil cleanse from this post.

We both love the moisturizer! And I'm not going to over exaggerate or gush, but simply put, I haven't found a cream (non-oil) facial moisturizer I can use without irritation in two years. And now I have one I can get behind. I have mentioned a few times on my instagram that I'm sick of using oils as my main moisturizer because my face is already oily. This Peet Rivko one soaks in and leaves my face relatively matte, but surprisingly plump. 

We like the facial oil, too. I know I just said I was sick of oils, but I'm sick of using them on my whole face (that T-zone oil, amiright???). After I apply the cream, I take two drops of oil and pat it on to my cheeks, which are my driest parts. 

We just ran out of the travel kit and reordered a large bottle of the moisturizer because we love it so much. I didn't feel the need to order more oil because I have a lot of facial oils at the moment. Right now I've been using the marula oil by Drunk Elephant (which is not pictured below, sorry) over the top if I have especially dry cheeks :) Going into summer though, I think I'll be able to use the cream moisturizer by itself, and it'll be GREAT. 

one roll of film ep. 1

pretty sure ryan muirhead took this photo

I'm trying to carry a little camera with me at all times and take snapshots of life. Above is one roll of film captured throughout winter and spring of 2018. These are adventures from the Oregon coast to Portland to LA and to Portland again <3

ravings of a lunatic

I’m depressed a lot. Hello. People talk about it, but they don’t really talk about it. You’re still a little ashamed of being depressed. Sometimes I feel like a leper. I don’t want to tell people about it because what will they do? Nothing. Feel sorry for you, that’s all. And try to stay away from your negative vibes. 

“Oh did you hear?”

“What?”

“She’s depressed now; she’s been doing bad lately.”

“That’s sucks. Wow… whelp should we go grab some dinner.”

“Sure!”

I never want to be a drag, but I hate holding it in. I know there are other people who identify with me, so I guess this is for you. You’re not alone.

Now that I’m older, I see being an artist and being depressed going hand in hand. It’s so sensitive. “Do people like my art?” “Do they like me?” “If they like my art, they’ll like me, right?” "Does my art even matter?" In a world where you conquer your emotions and mindset, I don’t think it needs to go hand in hand. But what about the now? How do you feel now? Now? I feel like crap.

We put all of ourselves into everything we create. It’s a piece of our soul. It’s our dream. It’s what we most desire to make. It’s so sensitive. You see all your friends doing incredible things and having success. It hurts. Why not you? When is your turn?

I have these negative thoughts that subconsciously creep into my mind. They tell me I’m alone. That I’m the only one who feels this way. That I’m not good enough; I’m not cool enough; I’m not pretty enough; I’m not enough. But even now writing them out, they seem ridiculous. Why can’t my subconscious mind talk to me like my conscious mind? 

Katie, chill out, you’re gonna be fine. Look, I know you don’t trust anyone else’s opinion, so here is your own: Yes, you are sensitive, but it helps you see a lot of things and understand a lot more things. It leads you to write a really open, honest, (and yes, you’d call it embarrassing) personal pep talk, that is probably helping you right now. Who else publicly writes these for themselves?! You’re hilarious and so honest. You’re on the right track. I know because I can feel it in my/our gut. Your life is wonderful and you’re an artist. You’re gonna be fine; you’re gonna get there. I know.

Fin

Ravings of a Lunatic Act 1 Scene 1

california film

Finally got around to editing these photos. Some are from our trip to San Francisco, and some are from Joshua Tree/Palm Springs. My camera got stuck on a weird setting and all the pictures came out under exposed and grainy. Still, I found some good ones! We did the audio tour of Alcatraz (accidentally called it Azkaban like a billion times). This was my favorite thing we did in San Francisco. We went to Chinatown and took random pictures including me playing some sort of stringed instrument with two street performers (they asked me to join them and handed me that little guitar).

Here we are in Joshua Tree. We came to help model for our friends who were putting on a workshop there. The last shoot was extra fun because we got to dress up in wedding attire. My dress was awesome and the cactuses loved getting stuck in it. We broke off from the group and took some dope flash photos of each other looking cool. Later that night we all gathered around the train of the dress and picked out a thousand thorns and sticks. 

The last two days of this trip we spent at the Ace in Palm Springs. This part was most anticipated, but I also felt really sick, so I was a little mad at my body. Body, why now?

The first night Sara, Phil, Joe, and I played in the pool like kids. I don't remember the last time I "played" like that. 

happy one year

My blog is one year old today. Let's celebrate.

I've tried to start a blog multiple times, but this is the first time it has really worked out. Not because of anything in particular, but simply because it's the right time. 

I beat myself up a lot wishing I would have more accomplished by now. If only I would've cared at an earlier age. Like I should have eaten healthier as a teenager or learned how to be non-shy at a normal developmental age. Wish I would have gotten an art degree. Wish I would have moved away sooner. Wish I started photography earlier. Wish I would have been more brave.

But everything happens at the right time.

I like to think of my 8th grade self sometimes. She was sweet Her defining qualities were "being nice" and "being good at drawing"; she had a crush on the Keeper from Harry Potter, a crush on Legolas/Orlando Bloom, wanted a boyfriend really bad, had the worst teeth ever, was really self-conscience of her glasses that her mom thought were cute, wished she was cooler.

If she could have known that her life was going to be like this (insert every amazing thing I have), she would have been so excited to grow up.

It puts everything back into perspective for me. That no matter where you start, you can improve.

So this celebration is more than just having a dumb blog for one year. It's to celebrate everything that's been accomplished in the last year(s) and to be happy that, no matter where you started, you're here now. 

listen to Aromanticism by Moses Sumney for mood.

my skincare routine

I'm SUPER excited to talk about skincare today. It's something I'm obsessed with and talk about all the time with Joe, but never really share online. I think next to fashion photography, it's my biggest obsession and favorite thing to learn about. 

CLEANSING

My favorite step is cleansing. If you wanted to change one thing about your routine without spending all your money, I would highly recommend oil cleansing. I've been cleansing this way for 3+ years, and have no intention of going back. 

Basically you pick an oil (I use avocado oil, but you can use a variety of oils: grapeseed, sweet almond, sunflower seed oil, etc), and pour a little pool into the palm of your hand. Then you smear it all over your face and rub the oil around in small circles, even over you mascara'ed eyes (incidentally it's my favorite way to remove tough mascara). The oil dissolves oils and breaks down dirt and makeup on your skin. Sometimes - most times - you can feel what they call "grits" under you finger tips as you massage your skin which is dead skin or makeup rolling up into tiny balls :) (you might think that's gross, but I think it's satisfying!). 

Rinse off your hands with a little soap and water and grab your washcloth. Dampen it with hot water and lay it over your face. The heat and steam feel great and they soften your pores and skin. Then gently wipe away the makeup, dirt, and oil. I rinse and repeat this step about 3 times until my face feels clean. Another plus about oil cleansing is my face never gets that tight, dry feeling afterward that some cleansers or soaps can cause. 

Tip* some people get grossed out by washcloths saying that you should always use a fresh cloth or makeup wipe to clean you face to avoid bacteria buildup. Sure! I agree! But also I'm all about decreasing my waste. Just be sure to wash your washcloth or towel frequently :)

If this is still weird, emulsifying oils do exist - this basically means that the oil rinses off with water by some supernatural powers (how does it work?!). You can use these, too! However I prefer just a regular bottle of avocado oil because it's cheaper, and it's only one ingredient. My face is so fussy and reactive, so I like knowing my cleanse will be gentle. Thank you cleanse! I can always count on you. 

WOW THANKS FOR GETTING THRU THIS PART. SO PASSIONATE. OIL CLEANSE FUN. WOW.

MASKING

If I'm going to mask, I do it now! I've experimented with a ton of masks and have a lot I hate, some that didn't do nuthin', and some I love. Go figure. 

I regularly use the Herbivore Botanicals Blue Tansy mask. I like this because, in my opinion, it does what it says which is rare (if you can believe it) in the skincare world. It's an AHA/BHA clarifying, gently exfoliating and resurfacing mask. You're supposed to use this mask more frequently when you first try it, then switch to using it 2 to 3 times a week. When I do this the pores on my nose look more cleaned out than before! 

You put a thin layer on your skin and let it dry for 15 - 20 minutes, then wash it off (you can use a washcloth to wipe off excess that doesn't rinse with water and help exfoliate away the dead skin). This mask tingles/burns my face a bit, but it says it'll do that on their website, so ...okay. 

Next, another favorite mask is the Reborn facial mask by Root Science. It's a clay mask that leaves my skin looking really clean and feeling really smooth. It comes in powdered form and you add water. I mix one teaspoon mask with one teaspoon water and mix it up with my fingers. Then I directly apply it over clean skin. Wait 20 minutes or until it's all dry and cracked and you look like the lizard people. Then soften with lukewarm water and massage it all around for some nice exfoliation, and rinse! (this mask leaves my face red like other bentonite clay masks, but in the morning, it's back to normal and my face looks glowy)

Tip* I recommend bringing one paper towel sheet into the bathroom to dry your face after rinsing especially if you have white towels like me! The mask is black, and I always miss some on my hair line. 

Pro Tip* Wash it off in the shower! - night showers are the best for sexy, voluminous hair and washing off your masks without splashing clay all over your mirror.

Another mask I have pictured is the Herbivore Botanicals Brighten mask. I haven't noticed as many results from this one, but it doesn't hurt my face which is a plus for me. I'm going to continue to use it and try to be more consistent with it. 

MOISTURIZING

You've all heard it before, moisturizing is a really important step in your skincare routine. I moisturize after every wash and YOU SHOULD TOO. I've been through a myriad of creams and oils. Some didn't turn out to be what I wanted, some broke my heart, some made promises they couldn't keep, and some, I cheated on when I found someone better. 

I'm still not sure if I'm into oils 100%, but they are the most natural and hurt my face less than creams. My face is very oily which is another reason why oils are a little weird for me sometimes. It's oily when it's dry, when it's moist, in the morning, in the summer, after I put on mattifying creams. It's annoying. 

That being said...The oil I'm into lately is Herbivore Botanicals Lapis oil. One tip I've learned sort of recently about oil is to use way less than you think and spend some time massaging it in. The massaging part has really helped me. I spend like five minutes gently massaging my face which is nice, except when you want to just jump in bed already or are late for something. I use 3 - 4 drops of this oil. It's supposed to be for oily or acne prone skin, so yay! Now that it's winter though, my skin wants a little more moisture, so I ordered the phoenix oil from Herbivore to try.

At night, before the lapis oil, I use another product by Herbivore Botanicals called Moon Fruit Night Treatment. It's a purple cream and you just take a little bit to rub into your face. You have to rub it in really well otherwise the oil massage you're about to bust out will pill up all your night treatment. After I use this my face looks so non-red and normal (my face is always slightly pink). I kind of want to stop there, but it's definitely not enough moisture for me. 

Next, I was just gifted a product from Maven Botanics called Enlightened which is a moisturizing oil. My husband and I both tried it, and it soaks in better than any other oil we tried and makes your face look more moisturized which is only something a person who stares closely into a mirror every few hours would notice. Joe has been using it regularly and his face has been lookin tight. My face gets slightly red with it, and I think it's because of the essential oils in it. I've found my face skin doesn't like essential oils, but if yours is fine with it, I would highly recommend this for winter!

Tip* I usually give myself a spritz of rosewater before my oil and after and after I apply makeup and a bunch of other times during the day. Makes me feel refreshed {Insert the sound of opening up an ice cold Lacroix}.

EXTRAS

For lips I love Glossier's Balm Dotcom original recipe. If you remember, I once mentioned that this product hurt the back of my throat when I inhaled (weird). I have since come full circle, and it's currently my favorite lip stuff. Which is an important lesson. Give people and things second chances. 

I wanted a hand cream for Christmas, and Santa in the form of Joe gave me a lovely one. It's Grown Alchemist's Intensive Hand Cream. Also have you been to the site I linked it from? It's my favorite place to search from new makeup/skin stuff/gifts. 

Okay I'm tired of typing now, and you're probably done reading. Time to go check back on my writing and see how many typos I made!

BE GOOD TO YOUR SKIN!

2018 goals

The new year is a good time to think about starting over and setting goals because... when is it not a good idea to challenge yourself to be better. Plus everyone is talking about it, so it's really motivating or FOMO or both (I like both).

I'm a little scared to set goals because I don't really trust myself to follow through. I see myself time and time again not doing what I asked myself to do, and it makes me believe I'm just a lazy kid who will always be that way. But who cares?! That was the past. I love myself, and I get infinity number of chances to do what's right for me, right?! because I live in this body and I live this life and who will live it if not me? So goals...

1. learn to trust myself.

2. love myself a little bit more. 

3. meditate in the morning during the week.

4. yoga in the morning during the week.

5. read at least two self help books.

6. move to a new state.

7. get a photography agent.

8. grow my instagram following (vague, but yeah) for @imokaygirl

9. travel to Paris.

10. stand up straighter.

(coat by vartist, sunglasses by sun buddies, top from h&m, jeans by levis, bag by coach (thrifted), boots by creatures of comfort)

san francisco

The best thing we did in San Francisco was going on the tour of Azkaban....I mean Alcatraz. I kept calling it Azkaban, though. 

The next best thing was getting to hang out with my brother and sister-in-law and enjoy the best pad see ew ever three nights in a row :)

how to thrift without going insane

Thrifting can be exhausting. For a while I promised myself to only buy new clothes because thrifting was so annoying, and... why would you want to spend money on things that were already worn out? Well...

Lately I've had a change of heart. It could have something to do with my new thrifting technique/stamina. See below for my 100 step guideline on how to thrift. Just kidding. But seriously, read on.

I've been having a lot of success thrifting these days and a lot of energy to go (success begets drive)(that sounded like poetry).

Like any good "how to" on the internet, the strategy is simple and something you probably already thought of.

Before I go into a thrift store, I decide what I'm looking for.

I imagine one or two things I'm hoping to find, and then only look through sections that would have those pieces. For example before I got these pants (up there ^), I decided I wanted navy blue, thick trousers, and then I went to goodwill. I walked straight to the pant section, and only pulled out pants that were navy blue and had a thick texture. I brought all my top nominees to the dressing room and found a winner. I won. And I wasn't even tired because I was searching for like 15 minutes. Then I left. 

Look at all those saved pictures on your instagram, and pick one or two pieces you really want, then give yourself the goal of only looking for those things. It narrows down what your eye sees and leaves you feeling less overwhelmed which in turn keeps you sane in the long run.

Another important tip, don't get something if it's really worn down or you find yourself saying "I can fix it". You're not going to fix it, okay? Get something that's intact. 

When I don't have success, I don't stress because I didn't just spend hours and hours searching through every section, and I know I'll find what I want next time.

The end.

(jacket from h&m, sweater thrifted from vintage pink, pants thrifted from goodwill, loafers thrifted from goodwill, bag...you can't really see it, but I got it from a friend who sells vintage)

new favorite things

Here's a few of my recent favorite small things. I found a new fragrance at Johan. It's a collaboration between Monocle and Comme Des Garçons.

MONOCLE Scent One: Hinoki

Another recent favorite is a mask by Root Science. I have really sensitive skin, and this mask doesn't bother me which is always a plus. It dries hard on your face, and then is then can be used as an exfoliator as you wash it off. The first time we (my husband and I) used this, our skin looked visibly cleaner. 

ROOT SCIENCE Facial Mask: Reborn

The last two things are earrings that I thrifted in Racine, WI in a my favorite antique store called School Days Mall. Whenever I go back home to visit family, we go thrifting here.